Is this abuse? That’s a question we ask again and again, even when we have the answer from the core of our being. Yes, it is abuse. Yet your partner continues to say, “It’s in your head,” “You just bruise too easy,” or how about this one, “If you weren’t so sensitive…” And when all these fail to convince or confuse you, he/she says "It was an accident," caused by the injured party.
I’ll never forget the day I showed a physician photos of my ex’s black and blue hand imprint across my toddler's face, and I said, "Isn't this abuse?" The doctor replied, “Dr. King, you’re asking me if this is abuse?” My ex wanted our family, and all others involved, to believe my son fell off his bike.
My professional training and practice was in bio-behavioral medicine, in which I helped people with chronic medical disorders to ease their pain, mend their injuries and heal their illnesses. Domestic violence education is not part of the traditional curriculum for clinical psychologists. Also surprising, isn't it?
Nonetheless, when I awakened to the fact that my children and I were entangled in a serious cycle of family violence, my life changed over night. I suddenly became a student of the law, of the dynamics of abusive relationships and of the pathology of battering behavior.
In my study, which was initially our family "case study," I identified the subtle communication patterns of intimate partner violence and recognized that these patterns characterized my relationship with my abusive partner and abusive relationships in general. These interaction patterns are the little subconscious ways we related to each other and they served to maintain the abuse dynamic. They kept it going in all its pain, day by day, month after month, year by year.
For example, he heard my "no" as an invitation to convert into a "yes." On the surface this may sound small, but to anyone living in an abusive relationship, you know that these daily tug-a-wars become the wallpaper of your home, and on more days than you wish, become the bricks that come smashing down on you and keep you awake silently screaming all night long.
I realized certain thoughts, feelings and actions supported the abuse dynamic and other thoughts, feelings and actions interrupted its hold. I clearly saw what broke the battering dynamic.
Of course, we know you are not responsible for your abusive partner's battering behavior. Let's face it, battering is fully owned, operated and controlled by the perpetrator and no one else. What I am suggesting is by recognizing and understanding what allows and supports the status-quo, we open doors for change and healing occurs.
You have options. Each day that we exercise these other options, we re-build from the inside out. My health returned: restful sleep, normal digestion, mental clarity, stamina and even my inner well-being. It was as though I returned back to myself and all that I was before the battering relationship came back to me. If it happened to me, it can happen for you. We are all built with the same identical healing mechanism and we all have a capacity for self-repair on many levels.
My hope is to shorten your learning curve so your road to well-being is less painful than ours. My children and I went from the frying pan of family violence to the fire of abuse beyond control, before bringing a halt to the battering within our lives. Your road to reclaiming your life, and your peace, can be less costly to you then it was for me. I have dedicated the balance of my professional career to helping people avert the pain and daily danger we endured.
If you are interested in how to break that cycle of painful abuse, see our intimate partner violence tool. It is guaranteed to help you shine the light on domestic violence and open your door to freedom from abuse. You will see the subtle things that keep abuse going and find alternate self-supporting options.
Is this abuse? What supports abuse? What maintains abuse? What stops abuse?
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